I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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