Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
