someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
