My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just threw up on my dentist
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
