textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
