We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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