I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
