the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
