so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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