Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
