you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
