fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
