doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
