I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
How external is "for external use only"?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
