Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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