if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
