I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
