who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
