I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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