when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
