The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
