I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
