You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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