I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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