After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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