i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
