walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My ass is underappreciated
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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