forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
