There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
