my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just wanna soil my oats bro
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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