There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
