I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
