I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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