Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
