I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
