I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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