I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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