i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
