Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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