I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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