what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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