her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
