I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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