I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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