I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
