There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
