No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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