I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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