I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
