I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
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