I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
