Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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