I met the friendliest cop last night
I am spending my child support on dildos
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
