Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
