Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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