I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
